Me vs Them

Many are the times where I have done things to cushion the people I love.Little did I know that these actions hurt them even more.So when Glennon said this..I thought wow!Where’s the balance between me and them? One party has to feel the bigger pain and the wisdom that lets you know where to direct this pain,in my opinion,is actually Divine!

“Life and love simply ask too much of me. Everything hurts. I don’t know how people can just let it all hurt so much. I am just not up for all this hurting. I have to do whatever it takes not to feel the hurt. But what I have to do to avoid the hurt for myself hurts everyone else. My survival means I have to keep harming my people. But it is not because I don’t love them, it is because I love them too much. All I can say is “I do love you,” but it sounds weak, like a lie, and their faces don’t soften when they hear it.”

By Glennon Doyle-Love Warrior

Standing amazed

Good health is a privilege.I repeat.
Good health is a blessing.

Not being able to be in control of your body is the worst feeling ever.Not knowing what is ailing you is even worse.You just take medication and wait.Your faith, patience and courage are tested.Now your fate lies on higher powers.God.

My heart goes out to everyone battling chronic diseases,those who have to deal with severe pain everyday,those who struggle to catch a breath of air.To all those waiting to get enough funds to cater for their medication,to those abandoned in sickness because the burden is too heavy to carry…To those whose lives have basically ceased because diseases have taken their power to live normal lives..

It is not easy.We may not understand but I hope you all overcome.Most importantly,I hope you keep trusting and keeping the faith.

As a Child

I carried a lot of my parents pain.
Understanding that part of them meant I cared.
So I didn’t ask for money when I knew they were struggling.

I accepted whatever standards they gave me because I knew they were the best.

Sometimes I denied myself beautiful pleasures because I believed they deserved it more.
Why would I buy a second pair of shoe when they had bought none in a year?

What I did not understand is that they were denying themselves this pleasures,so I could have it all.

So I decided to live my best life because in return,it made them happy and that’s what mattered most.

I accepted every gift my mother gave me because I knew it always came packaged with love and it’s the last thing I would want to miss.Its the reason I get so attached you can mistake it for selfishness.

As a child,you also carry with you a lot of your parents mistakes.You question why they made certain choices that probably affected you negatively.Can you love and hate a person at the same time?As a child you clearly cannot figure this out.You hold them accountable regardless.

Now as an adult,I feel like I am finally becoming more human.Its like I am beginning to live and all along I have just been taking notes from the world.I have understood that perfect lives don’t exist.Most importantly,I have learned to forgive.

In my mind I know I want to be a better parent and raise better kids but if you understand life dynamics,then this is probably the most dumbest thing.

My toxic trait

I over explain things.

I get too detailed that it gets scary.Sometimes I end up beating myself afterwards.Did I have to say all those things?

And the saddest thing is with these details, sometimes you expect people to react a certain way.Probably get excited at what you are saying or give meaningful feedback.

People like me can easily be put off, feel hurt or disappointed by people who don’t enjoy details.Its really no one’s fault.Its just me.No matter how hard I try,it’s hard to not want the details.Its the reason am naturally curious even on the not so important things.It can get annoying for some people.But thankfully,my friends like Nyokabi always try to understand me.

They say the devil is in the details and am wondering why he chose me.

Love Warrior Series by Glennon

I haven’t written in a long while and I have a lot of untold stories but this..I feel compelled to share.Reading Love Warrior has been a roller coaster of emotions.I have found myself running to it for comfort and reassurance.. sometimes hope but the fact that she brings out my feelings in ways I cannot explain amazes me.

Here’s the first part.

I’ve never let myself trust love because I’ve never let myself trust pain. What if pain—like love—is just a place brave people visit? What if both require presence, staying on your mat, and being still? If this is true, then maybe instead of resisting the pain, I need to resist the easy buttons. Maybe my reliance on numbing is keeping me from the two things I was born for: learning and loving. I could go on hitting easy buttons until I die and feel no pain, but the cost of that decision could be that I’ll never learn, love, or be truly alive.

One Last Time

I am an intelligent lady,I always have been.I know it’s so crude of me to publicly admit that but when you are a slow learner,then it cancels out and I have no case to answer.

It’s probably the most ugly thing that I own besides my rainbow socks that I once wore together with a very pretty dress back in campus.I went to class feeling like a fashion diva and my boyfriend almost broke up with me because of it.He should have😅and I honestly don’t think I would be mad at him.But he took the noble road and decided to change routes just so I wouldn’t embarass him in front of his friends.What an honourable man😁.

There are days that life has caught me by it’s nests and I have struggled to free myself off of it.Be it relationships,family,health, education..I have tasted some bitter portions of them all but I think I raised myself right and have always given myself another chance.And life is cruel,it equals this chances with more pain and I am left to wonder if I am doing the right thing.

Is life teaching me something that I really can’t get?Why do I forget so fast?I keep thinking that next time it will not be the same.They will have known their wrongs.Next time I will be better.I will be more alert.Will listen more keenly.Next time I will have more strength,more courage.I will know what to do next time.Its always a next time.

I have found myself on my knees, crying to God to save me one last time.”At least for this one, God,because it hurts so bad.”But then,I get hurt again,and my last times are never the last.Folks,I have refused to learn!

So every time I pray,I still find myself using this line.One that i am well aware is a lie and wouldn’t be the reason for His Grace.

I am a slow learner and would definitely make a bad salesman.

City Salutes

The best thing about being away from home is that I get to think about the people I love.I get to understand what family means to me,I have a new appreciation of all the little things we would do together.The crazy times,the happy times.I especially miss bonding with my mum while preparing spper.She is my best friend.And how I sometimes hated preparing healthy meals for my dad in the morning.My dad is very particular with his meals and hee!!It takes a village to impress him.I kinda miss that.

You would think that the best decisions you make in life are those about the kind of people you date,the career you choose or just generally the kind of lifestyle you choose.But see my life!Now all I care about is,..I chose the right matatu.I won’t be late.It won’t leave me in a place I need to cross a road.Sometimes I have to beg drivers to stop and let me pass by literally saluting them you would think am a traffic officer.

I never knew that one day..I would rely on strangers to keep me  safe.Its amazing how life teaches us to be humble.

Just knowing the right time to cross is magic for me.It has happened so many times that people cross and leave me standing on the other side.One time,three groups of people crossed the road and we were left standing with this woman.I felt so
helpless that i just found myself
asking her,

Aki wanafanyaje wanacross?

She looked at me and remained silent.
In her head,she must have laughed and said,Welcome to the City!

Becoming

For a long time now..I have been super emotional.Its like my oestrogen hormones are having a party I didn’t call for but all in all ,I get to live another day and that’s all that matters.

I have carried so much pain in my heart and struggled a lot with forgiveness.What should you think of yourself when you are a Christian who at one point thought,if given a chance,you wouldn’t think twice about pulling the trigger at someone?There are many times I have questioned my becoming.Who am I growing into?

I have lost and won at the same time.And sometimes I am left to wonder wether I should give thanks or be angry at God.What do you do when he puts you in this position?Don’t tell me to look at the positive side because it’s all I have been doing.

But honestly,if there’s one thing I am grateful for is the effects of all this negativity.I am becoming more kind,more loving,more considerate,more truthful and more empathetic because I understand what it means to have or to receive anything less than that.It however doesn’t feel like that on the outside but I think it’s reason enough for me to still think I am Favoured.

Favoured enough to understand that better days are coming and am indeed becoming what He wants me to be.

Apologies that never came

I have been throwing tantrums and literally being nasty at everyone around me.My family has had the brunt of it and every night I go to bed,I have to wrestle with the idea of not being good enough.Not being gentle and caring enough.

While I still call myself complicated I stopped apologizing for being a sensitive person.Take it or leave it.I am petty,I cry over the tiniest of things and stupid things upset me.I remember once quarrelling with my sister because she texted me in Caps Lock.Why would she do that?I told her that her text felt angry and projected(like in your face), considering the subject.

So yes,I have been feeling shitty for a while now.I have been angry for many reasons and i have felt like no one would understand me.I have given my mum so many lectures’ I think she doesn’t deserve.I have lived in that bubble until today when I forgot my sister’s birthday.

For a moment I felt..,just really bad.I had been shouting at her all evening,and she was still kind enough to make tea and bring it to me in my bed.I am supposed to be the kinder person,to be the caring one and more responsible one. To know better.

My mum is always silent and now I know why.She has tasted a bigger portion of this life and she probably is just letting us discover the different tastes at our own right time. I know i owe them all an apology.But then what would I actually say?Am sorry for not being the bigger person?

One thing I know for sure is that it’s not always about me and its crazy that it had to take this for me to remember that.

Happiest Birthday Maggie.I love you.💜💜♥️💜

CARELESS PRAYERS

To be honest,after 100 plus posts,I wanted to do away with this space and create something new.I no longer found it attractive or exciting from a readers perspective.But I have gone through so much here,I am just a little unwilling to let it go.It is here that I have learnt forgiveness,self appreciation, patience and much more .I have literally skinned myself and exposed my vulnerability to people I don’t know and some whom I would rather remain a stranger to.

The first time I got my heart broken,I cried.The world didn’t seem to make sense without him😅.Don’t judge me,I was young and I saw life in one dimension.It took me years before I got to date again.I was more sober and I had started to look at life as multifaceted.I would never cry because of a man.I had grown thick skin or so I thought😅.

You see,once I meet my husband,I plan on loving him with every inch of my breath.I hope he does too.I have since accepted the fact that if I am going to love,then it means my heart might probably get broken and it’s not because they will have dumped me.The thought of what could have been is a loss big enough on it’s own.Its a risk I am willing to take because after many heartbreaks,love still remains to be a beautiful thing.Maybe it’s just life that sucks.So I am always praying for my husband.The one He kept for me.And if I will not find him,then so be it.The other day a friend of mine said it’s impossible not to find your mate.

“There’s always someone to marry.”

But well,if it means I settle for what I don’t deserve,I would rather forfeit that course.

Here’s my point though,if my husband and I get children,I pray that they teach us a new kind of love.Being a mother needs one to be more than human and this by far remains the greatest mystery of life which I believe you cannot fathom until you become one.I have seen children grow up and because of how shitty life is,they have made marriage unbearable.I pray that my children never become a cause for this unfortunate occurence and if so,then I don’t know.Maybe I would rather not go down that path.And instead of making such careless prayers,I should probably just ask God for Grace.I have recently found myself needing more of this than I thought. To actually go back to the basics and relearn everything I thought I had mastered.Forgiveness and patience.Love and Trust.

And now more than ever I know,growth is not always linear.