Stitch by stitch…part 2

I wanted it to go back to how it used to be.I struggled with the new reality that was about to come.I was going to lose my friend forever because honestly,things had changed so much and I didn’t think they would go back to how they used to be.

I prayed to God to soften my heart.I listened to Matthew West’s song on forgiveness.Over and over,it played in my head.

“Let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace.There is no end to what it’s power can do.”

Then one day I woke up and made the same prayer.This was weeks later I believe.I completely let it go and I forgave her.I may not forget it but that doesn’t matter.I am human and would probably have said even worse things.There was no point in holding it against her.

Things went back to being normal.We laughed together again.We talked about nothings’ and for the first time i felt free and a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.I remembered the many prayers that God didn’t and hadn’t answered.But he chose to answer this.Why?

Looking back,she has had my back through my very highs and lows.On days that I wanted to cry,she recharged her phone credit and listened to me cry and pour my heart out.She has been there to encourage me when I thought I didn’t have a purpose.She has walked with me through my mistakes and told me realities I would never bring myself to see.She believes in my potential to create beautiful things through art and music.She has been my biggest supporter when anxiety overwhelms me.She is literally my guardian angel.

God knew I couldn’t lose her.So he did what he does best😊.

He chose this prayer🥰.

Defining moments

Yesterday was quite an emotional day for me.I had to step back and reexamine myself as a human.Then as a woman and as a Christian.What am I really made of?What kind of a friend am I?The speaker at church stirred an emotion so deep that it left me feeling helpless and not enough.And anyway, who am I to think that I will ever be enough!

I had promised to empty myself this year to fill others.To be the bigger person in ugly situations.To be the one to say sorry,to be more compassionate,to be the peace maker and be the change that is needed.Its only been a month and I can tell you that it is exhausting and draining.

My anxiety has come back worse than ever and there are days I cry and my head hurts really bad afterwards.I am unable to do the things that I love and this makes me feel worse.I feel like a prisoner chained to a world that is not mine.What kind of cry does it take to say I need help?

My faith has been put to the test in the most cruel way.My patience has been tried and I have failed miserably.
There are days that I wake up and I am surprised that I made it to another day.When I say I am favoured, believe me I am.

God cannot put you through what you cannot handle.Pain does not last forever.Growth does not come in jiffy.Everything happens for a reason.This are literally the only things that keep me going together with the fact that I know God’s grace is sufficient.

Here are words I wrote in my journal almost an year ago when I read Hannah Smiths book about finding happiness.Its been a long time of struggling but I still cling to this very words that I wrote at a time when I felt bruised and at war with the world.

Stitch by stitch


I used to wonder why i felt a certain way just before my periods until I found out about PMDD!This monster is just the worst😩.I would rather the physical pain a hundred times.But let’s leave that for another day and talk about what happened last Saturday.

To my dearest friend,

I am sorry for writing this and opening up about our encounter.But you  of all the people know why I set up this space, not only for myself but for other people to find reason and comfort and understand that the world sucks for at least everyone in different ways.

As I said earlier,I like my new church.The environment is so warm and welcoming and I always look forward to worshipping there every sabbath.They give us free lunch and we get to talk about everyday issues as we eat.I hope one day Al be able to give back in a way because it’s what you do when you are given half of a perfect day☺️.

Trust and forgiveness.
 
She needed money for something and because it was urgent and she didn’t have it at the time,I offered to borrow a loan on her behalf from M-shwari.She would repay it as soon as possible.

Interest accumulated and the repayment period almost elapsed.I did not want to be blacklisted by CRB(Credit Reference Bereau) so I kindly asked her and she promised to pay.

One Sunday,I prepared to go and do some shopping but just before I left the house I decided to confirm that everything was in order.Call it instincts.Money that I had been saving in my M-shwari had been frozen’ and until I  payed them back,I couldn’t withdraw it😣.

I cancelled my plans.I was disappointed and in my misery,I texted her.She was cold and it seemed like I was bothering her,but what else could I have done?I was angry that she felt that way.She had no right.I was the one supposed to be disappointed for the inconveniences.It was my moment to express that in whatever manner,which I did,in the kindest way.The least she could have done was acknowledge and be sorry for putting me in that situation.

What she said later that day is what broke me.I felt hurt to the core.Crushed.She said she would do anything to make sure she paid back.Wow!ANYTHING!I cannot say the exact words but am sure,it would hurt anyone just as much.So I pulled away.I  repayed the loan with my savings and I would figure out a way to survive that month.

We tried to talk for the next few weeks but I just wasn’t ready.She said sorry but also stepped back.Why would she do that?She should have understood that her words hurt me and I felt like it was her responsibility to stick around till I was okay.Well,its what I would have done if I was in her shoes.Doesnt mean it’s what should happen.

I wanted to hear her say that she did not mean what she said.I wanted to hear those very words again, as easily as she had said them.That was the only way I could feel her sincerity and remorse.

Completed in my next post.

Empty spaces

Because this is the only thing you write when you feel such emptiness and the only person you would want to talk to cannot be talked to😣.Yet I know,I am going to see harder days!

On other news,am so thankful for the sabbath.Am glad I fought my sleep throughout the sermon.Nothing comforts me better!

Meanwhile,let’s see if some sugar will help.And some comedy🤗.

Country road,take me home

When I grow up,I want to be like my grandmother.She was beautiful, hardworking and graceful.She was the most sarcastic being ever.My sister Maggie must have gotten it from her.

She believed that the beauty of a woman is in her hair.She wanted us to grow our hair during times when people thought that shaving your hair made you pass exams!Yaani people can literally feed crap into their heads!

She loved to pray.As early as 5 or 6 in the morning, you would hear her; mentioning each and everything that was in her heart.I could feel her sincerity even in my sleep.She would then turn on the radio and listen to sermons or songs.I tried it once in campus and my roommate thought I was crazy.I bought this small radio and at 5a.m,there I was with my hope f.m channel😃.It’s where my love for worship songs began.I am yet to buy another one after that one got spoilt!They were the most beautiful mornings of my life.

I loved my grandmother’s grass thatched hut.They brought it down because they wanted a modern setting!A piece of me crashed with it.In my mind,I can see her brewing tea,mixing and lifting the sieve until her heart was pleased that the tea was ready.I can see her adjusting the firewood and blowing into it from time to time to keep it ablaze.Besides her is a special old basket that she used to keep tea leaves,margarine and bread for us.She never ate bread everyday when alone but when we went to visit,she made sure to buy it everyday.

She was beyond selfless and kind.

Priscilla Bosibori was her name.She loved to tell us stories of the past.I would ask questions unending.I did not understand how you could love a person that someone else had chosen for you and to make it worse,one you have never met.

“You get to love him.Eventually.And it becomes a beautiful thing”

“Sasa aje?”I would still ask.Years later,I understand what she meant but only a little because when you believe love is a choice,you want everything put on the table first before you decide to stay or walk away.

Love is freedom.

She taught me to believe and uphold peace regardless of the situation.One time she sold a cow and hid the 40,000ksh she had gotten from it somewhere in her bedroom.Imagine someone stole it😣.I was hurt.Why would you still from a woman who knows nothing but give?We knew who the thief could be.It was somehow obvious and we wanted to confront him but she refused.

“It’s okay.I still eat and drink and that’s all that counts.”

I do not know how she defined pain but if she did,it must have been one interlaced with high levels of tenacity, joy and contentment. Her last days are very clear in my mind.She had prepared everyone for it and if you had eyes then you saw it coming but for the rest of us,we had to say our goodbyes in black.In the presence of a selfish multitude that I still think robbed me of my moment.

Forgiveness

When I decided that this was going to be my 2019 mantra,I did not know that I was setting myself up for war.

It felt like evil had set up a palace around me, and heck it reigned!For the first time,I had reason to want to hate someone and everyday I had to try and fight that feeling.I listened to Matthew West’s song countless times.How do you get to love those who are unlovable?I wanted healing.I was broken.I cried.And for the first time i f****ing cursed!I battled anxiety for many months.

Then I realized that I had to forgive myself first.I struggled with it.I still do but I have made a million steps in the right direction.It gets easier and I have become better.I have deliberately chosen to be free and soulful, independent and self sufficient,kind and caring.I will give more.I will pour myself out to fill others.I choose to be more prayerful.I am ready to fall,to hurt and to break again and again.I choose to be that girl.

Looking at everything around me,I believe that I am FAVOURED and BLESSED!Yaani I cannot even fathom how God’s Grace works!It’s too sufficient for a sinner like me.The many things I have taken for granted☹️,God knows best to forgive!

My mantra this year is “The Favoured One”.I want to take time and be thankful to what God has done for me all this years.In sickness and in health,in laughter and in sadness,may I always remember that I am favoured.

Above and beyond

Dear Billiah,

2019 will overpower you.You will have to face a lot of shitty things.Things that will make you feel worthless and broken.You will have to pick up the broken pieces and rebuild yourself.It will take time.You will make more mistakes and hate yourself even more.Then you will have to start again.You will get stronger and eventually things will start making sense.

Friends will use you for their selfish gains and sadly you will be too naive to know until they get away with it.You will meet people who will manipulate you.You will sacrifice the things that you hold dear just for them to leave you in the dust.You will cry over it but at least you will learn that nothing is permanent.

You will have to carry the burden of your family in silence because like every other day,you cannot change the situation.You will cry bitterly,but again,you will stop as it always is the case.

Billiah,you are not totally condemned.Do not feel like bad things happen to you all the time.You will meet love and you shall flourish in it’s goodness.You will explore the different dimensions of it until you meet an edge that will crush you.Remind me to tell you what that actually meant for you.

Then you will move to a new town and you will get to meet new people.It will feel like a new beginning but then again you will not be prepared for what will happen.It will come with a lot of life lessons.You will fall sick a lot and at some point you will feel like you are going to die but you are normally too paranoid and this will be one of those days.

You will read good books and feel empowered and like air, you will start to rise again

Sincerely,You.